Thursday, May 22, 2014

YES YES YES CHEF!


I'M ALIVE!

I feel like Frankenstein's monster just being struck by the bolt of lightening.  I'm returning from a movie that blew open the block I've been under this last year.

"Why haven't you posted anything on your blog lately?"
"What ever happened to that blog you had?"
"What the hell are you doing with your life?"
"Where are your passions taking you these days?"
"Are you ever going to open that restaurant you were talking about?"

These are some of the questions I've been hearing for the last year from loved ones, new friends and people who obviously had much more faith in me than I had this year.  I've been answering questions such as these with self deprecation and jest. Within both lie truth, don'tcha know...

                   "Lately I'm feeling like I'm at the place where dreams go to die?"

OOFAH!  That was even hard to type.  Again in my life, my outsides were not reflecting my insides.  So many years ago when I was living la vida loca and pretty much when my career as a waiter in NYC was at its height (about the exact time that full page pic in TIME OUT NY came out), my soul was blackened by my demons of addiction.  I was on the work-drink-repeat cycle and it was killing me slowly.  Now, my life is amazing:

Almost three years of sobriety under my belt.
My relationships with family and friends are restored.
I have amazing new friends, which my liberation from that dark life has alloted me.
An amazingly comfy job in the industry I've made my mark in: great hours, great pay and low stress.

Yet, these were the words that ACTUALLY came out of my mouth! 

Limbo, that's where I was.

But tonight, I walked out of the theater renewed by the struggles that the passion for food and family make you battle if you are so afflicted as I and I'm sure many who will read this are.  The industry I've chosen is one of the most stressful on earth.  Paradoxically, it's in that stress that creatures like me flourish: the heat of the kitchen, a full board of dupes, computers crashing and handwriting tickets, the grimace of an old biddy wailing, "Bring me a Diet Coke no ice and some bread and we are not ready yet!"

At the end of the day it's all worth it. 
Just like this is. 
My writing. 
My voice. 

Don't call it a comeback -- I've been here for years!

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Saturday, May 4, 2013

Hey Brother Can You Spare A Quarter... Million??


HEY BROTHER CAN YOU SPARE A QUARTER...MILLION?

This year I've been out of work three times as long as I've been working. Due to injury, not by choice. In that time I have accomplished some amazing things. I started writing with a voice people can relate to, my own! Who knew it was there all along. I've figured out how to live off of a pittance and survive in the most expensive city in the world. Finally I've realized what I want to do when I grow up.
i believe i can fly 

I can't say enough about how much I love where I work and how amazing it is to work with one of the greatest chefs on earth and one of my food idols. The reality of my situation this year was one that forced me to be alone with my greatest enemy and best friend. My mind. It’s a scary place to be sometimes. 

In this industry you are living someone else's dream or your own. The last few weeks of solitude led me to the conclusion that its possible to start following my own dream. The dream that way too many people share thanks to the food network and reality television, opening and running a successful restaurant. Which every time I say to myself my insidious mind almost immediately deems a fruitless endeavor that I could never accomplish. It tells me to stay where I am appreciated and loved for my performance and making a comfortable living. Who likes change? Who wants to leave a good thing for the great unknown? Who wants all the responsibility? Who's scared? Well to tell you the truth, this guy right here, that’s who!
dont be sceerrd
I've seen lots of restaurants come and go. Ones run by famous chefs, millionaires and celebrities. Who am I to take on such odds? There’s a 60% chance of failure and even more of one in NYC. What can I bring to the table that’s different and marketable? Lots of questions don’t you think? In this case no matter how silly this sounds to me is that I am the answer. It’s Me. I’m the IT factor in this case. My years of experience making everyone feel comfortable and happy at my tables. The way I turn the most difficult guest into a regular that smiles and is glad to see me. I want people to feel as I did when I was a kid waiting for my grandmother to serve dinner.
Grandma knows best.
I want to be my grandmother. Eek. That sounded better before I typed it. I can do this! Ok so I've conquered that voice in my head temporarily. With the help of loved ones and a well paid therapist. I know why people would come back to see me and eat my food when they have thousands of other choices in this city. Still I feel there’s something I'm missing here, some little itty bitty piece of the puzzle like the one my sister would steal so she could be the one who put that last piece in (wait scratch that, that was me). 

Ah ha!
The dough!
Next step figure out how to get $250K. How much you think I can get for a kidney these days? Well stay tuned folks I’m sure this is going to be a hell of a ride. 

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Thursday, April 4, 2013

Sunday Bloody Sunday


Sunday Bloody Sunday

Finding fulfillment is a funny thing. Sometimes you can be doing the same thing for a while and just be doing it. Like a job. The word is short for a reason. No depth to it at all. Something you do to get money and pay the bills and, most of the time, get stuck in.

Even though I've always loved food and have been in this business since legal working age, sometimes even I have felt stuck at a job. You know when you're at your job in my business, it's usually on Sunday. If I was made in God's image, and he could rest on Sunday, then why o why couldn't I, rather than working through a hellish hangover having already worked a late crazy Saturday night, when the world and their mothers came out of the woodwork to try and get a table, leading to said hangover in the first place. The Sunday diners don't help either. These are the folks I compare to Sunday drivers. The ones who only come out one day a week, a month or sometimes even a year, and seem not to understand rules or manners, or are just plain freaks. Why do so many holidays fall on Sunday too?  Especially the big restaurant ones, Easter and Mother's Day for example. I have to admit, foodies who like less crowds use this night to their advantage as well, and can actually get a decent reservation time at an amazing restaurant. But then there are also good drivers yelling at the Sunday drivers, aren't there? 

God help the poor souls whose restaurants are open for Sunday brunch. Many, many moons ago, when I was one of them, Sunday brunch shift always started on Saturday at 3pm. Draw your own conclusions, we are not saints. We are the strong, we are the invincible, we want to take your order. And a Bloody Mary would help. 

So here I am trying to find some fulfillment amongst the foodies and freaks.  This particular Sunday is one of the biggies, Easter. The stage is set and amateur night at the Apollo begins. This is the once a year crowd, a more colorful bunch.

Switching Sunday from job to joy. Easy task, not a freaking chance. For all the psyching yourself up for a great shift, getting the proper rest, juicing, eating a healthy breakfast, inspirational reading and meditation, nothing you do prior to entering those doors can guarantee a smooth Sunday. It can all be shot down in a blaze of glory. Not only do we have the given variable that we take into account, the guests, we have a full staff of co-workers who couldn't all have possibly been doing those same enlightening things to start their day. It's always the ones you love that can hurt you the most, and who know what freaking buttons to press. When misery needs company, everyone is invited.

My misery armor is thickest on Sundays especially the lengthy Easter shift. The only way to fight the darkness is with the light. The light of being and doing something fulfilling. People love to see and feel it. It's shine is bright. It feels like the warm light you see through the oven window when the cupcakes are rising, and the golden tops puff up as the kitchen fills with the warm aroma of yummy. It's like a comforting hug. A reminder everything is going to be OK. This is when job transforms to joy. And yes, it can happen on a Sunday, even Easter my dear friends.
grandma,  cousin mike & me
What made Sundays and holidays so enjoyable for me and many others growing up was the family dinners. No matter how cray cray your family is, food always calmed the troops and brought that fulfillment to life.

Sundays and holidays we run family style meals and what I try and focus on to bring that light into my life as people are trying to stuff it into their faces. It's a family feast like no other I've ever served in any restaurant. 

It consists of antipastos that would knock over a donkey. An assortment of items found in my bosses latest book of favorite recipes. A large platter of assorted salumi, octopus, and potato salad, house-made ricotta and roasted peppers, slow roasted beet salad with mustard seed vinaigrette, smoked salmon pastrami (the best smoked salmon I've ever had, and I'm an honorary Jew trained by the Walbaums themselves. It's smoked with the same spices used in curing pastrami). All served family style. That's just the first round. Sounds more like Tyson vs. Spinx in ‘88. But you're going to want to stick around longer than 91 seconds. (All who know me are quite impressed that I just referenced a sporting event that I actually watched. So am I!)

Then comes the pasta course of house-made gnocchi with sage butter and a paccheri bolognese (like large rigatoni with no ridges with a veal, pork and beef ragu).

Third course is the meat and potatoes, literally and figuratively. Entrées are usually rack of lamb, veal saltimbocca, nonna’s  roasted chicken, and salmon. No more! No more! I do implore, let's see how high we can get the score.

Onward, dear captain, the next course beg you bring, I can hardly wait for my palate's sweet fling. Final course is a seasonal assortment of our best desserts. Always a pleaser.

So it's not just about the huge assortment of amazing food, it's the togetherness which sets this style of eating above all others. The grab. The pass. The "wait till you try this.” The uproar of laughter
laughing all the way!
when a slow roasted beet slides off your spoon with a plop and turns mom's pinot bianco to a rose. Being privy to these moments is what fulfills me. Those moments that make a meal the only place you want to be in the world, and I have the honor of being your guide on that great trip. That’s how you spell job with a “y”! 

You would think that in such a fancy place, this kind of communal dining would be rare. Our restaurant was built in a house after all, so you get that warmth and comforting feel of being wined and dined in a home, without the pretense that three star dining most often entails.

Foodie or freak, prideful or meek, this joy can be yours even if you leave the house that one day a week.

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Friday, March 1, 2013

"S" is for cookie. Who needs a Therapist?

Not being able to work and do what you love due to an ambulatory state of being in any type of work or life style leaves much to be desired and even more so is left to the mind. That maniacal evil place we sometimes leave ourselves to fester. All the things we aren't doing with our lives. All the things we don't have. Every insecurity made to shine as bright as the sun. Just wanting all the voices to silenced and the feelings numbed. This my friends is a very common place to be, and you are not alone. I used to use wine, spirits, and a melange of other things to escape this scary place. The falsity in these things is that they are actually depressants and just make you feel worse than before.
The mind, however, is also like a huge hard drive of awesome things and memories. The tricky part is accessing the proper files. In my experiences, and in many others', the happiest memories were connected to food.
I remember the article that was written on career waiters in NYC about yours truly in Time Out NY a few years back and where that fantastic full page picture that adorns the header of this blog comes from (pardon me while i toot my own horn). In the article it said that i was a food therapist and took joy in bringing people from a lachrymose state to a light hearted and jovial one. WOW, If i could do this for others than what was stopping me to therapize myself. I tried the dominoes pizza and hot wings at 10:30pm tactic, and that thrill was gone before the second slice when the acida (pronounced ah-chi-tah in proper Italian and ahh-geh-duh in Brooklyn, either way it means heart burn) kicked in hard. I needed something more. It was on a trip to my aunts house recently that i had my therapeutic epiphany. The "S" cookie, not just any "S" cookie but my grandma's. My whole life this cookie in all its glory graced the tables of our friend's and family, a recipe that goes back countless generations. Wrapped in colorful cellophane and the color of the the icing changing with the occasion or holiday. Now it was my turn. My aunt has been keeping the tradition alive for years but she lives quite far away so i haven't been present for the actual making of them since grammar school when i wasn't allowed near them till the dough was well kneaded and ready for shaping. My teen and college years when i could have partaken in the process unfortunately led me further away from my grandma's kitchen. Regrets, i have more than a few.
Now was my chance, however, to make grandma proud. Grandma had a special top made for her kitchen table to make the cookies on but that technique is now a distant memory. I used a huge bowl to combine all the ingredients, sorry grandma. As i combined the sugar and crisco with my hands flashes of grandma's hands and gold bracelets came to mind and how i used to watch in awe that none were affected by the process. The addition of the eggs to the well of greasy sugar was fun to watch but even funner to get my hands in decades later. I used to get to plop the eggs in one at a time as grandma's favorite assistant. The mixture was a delightfully sticky mess at the time the baking powder went in. Then it happened. My aunt added the vanilla extract. My vision had been focused on something in the living room but my olfactory senses exploded. They just downloaded that file i had been searching for. The perfect storm of joy. I was no longer standing  at my aunts kitchen with my hands in a bowl of yellow sugary sludge. The magical mixture acted as a time machine, I was an eight year old boy staring up at his grandmother waiting impatiently for the dough to get the point when i could finally start to play with it and sneak some in my mouth when she wasn't looking.
 Happy Happy joy joy chubby chubby boy boy. I was frozen in time and space. Overwhelmed with emotion. My hands stood as still as my heart. My eyes welled up and my vision blurred. That smell transported me to soft and comforting place that i imagined was long lost, a place this rough and jaded new yorker never thought he'd be again. The voices in my head that tell me i suck at life were quelled. Feelings like this aren't meant to last forever or be a false reality. Just remembering that they were reality is enough to brighten any moment. Reality, however, is where i was yanked back to when my aunt lovingly barked," Ya gotta keep mixing!" That i did. I started adding the flour and getting a bit more solid and closer to the kneading and sneaking a bite of dough process that i recalled to be my favorite part of all.
The cookies were finally all rolled out and place on the sheets in their classic "S" shape to be baked. The whole experience was amazing. First the touch of the vanilla in the air, then taste of that first bite of raw dough and finally the baking aroma filling the house were all part of a greater good for me. They brought me out of a funk. I don't  expect everyone to have a grandmother like mine or cookies like this. Tastes and smells, however, are ingrained in our minds and souls and attached to some feelings of comfort or joy from one time or another in our lives. Its those small glimpses of hope i pray you strive to find in your own daily hustle and bustle lives.
When the world around you and the voices in your head seem to be going cray cray. Its time to pause and take a step back and say "No Way!" Try and find your own "S" cookie and i hope it leads you back to brighter day.


















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Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Ef̱charistó̱ Chef, Merci Mon Amis

 Being away from the work i hold dear to my heart has been a bit trying, to say the least.  The last few months of nursing my knee back to health and having nothing but time on my hands has given me a great sense of gratitude and appreciation for what i do and who i do it with. The out pouring of lunch and dinner invites has astounded me. My co-workers and people i call dear friends have kept my spirits high and allowed this blog to flow from me. They have warmed my heart and my stomach. Ef̱charistó̱ (thank you) to you all and latest  adventure was the greatest so far.
room with THE view
I ventured to the river front of Brooklyn yesterday on an invite from my darling friend and Maitre'd who said there was a meal i couldn't miss out on. She said her boyfriend, lets call him the Greek, was going to be cooking. No simple things either. Courses and courses she promised. This Astoria boy was still weary about the locale. I hardly ever venture to Brooklyn (no disrespect, i used to live there I'm just a bit more lazy than i was in my twenties) and I wouldn't know but the two of them and there seemed to be quite an invite list. Then i got the postcard picture that sealed the deal. A view like no other view I've ever dined with before...my city in all its glory. time to make some new friends.
Mr.&Mrs. Billyam Goatington III
I walked in to the Greek, standing over the sink hammer in one hand and lamb head in the other. Most Americans would (and will be) be taken aback by this. I on the other hand started to salivate thinking of the great meal to come. This was also something i had seen a few times before over the years with the Greeks, Turks, and Italians in various kitchens and back yards. The greatest lesson i learned is to pay homage to the animal in its life and its death by using every part of the animal and not being disrespectfully wasteful .We'd be enjoying a offal tasting menu this evening.  Brains and eggs, cheeks and kidneys, livers and bacon, and my favorite sweetbreads would all grace our plates and palates.
cheek and kidney purses
The thanks of this blog is not just for the food, which shone on its own. Its for what the coming together around a huge table does to people. Forging lasting bonds between strangers. The conversations flowed from beyonce; the next pepsi and the new commercials we'd be pitching them; if a rose can grow in black and spanish harlem why couldn't you find a decent bagel there; and if god had a day off why couldnt the seventh day adventists. What an enchanting mix of people and venue. There were restaurant industry, government officials, wall streeters, models, lawyers and the Greek feeding us all against the back drop of the best city on earth. Sublime.
burbon chicken liver with quail egg


For two months i haven't lifted more than a fork or served anyone anything, but when i saw those plates lying there my eyes lit up and i felt a surge of mojo. it was on. I grabbed 3 plates and then 3 more and finally the last 3 and then i described the dish to the table. From the outside looking in it didn't seem like much I'm sure. The feeling i got on the inside however contradicted outward appearances. The only thing in my mind was that i have to start clearing and wash these plates for the next course and so on and so on and so on. A deep rich smile was planted on my face from that moment on and now comes anew with just the thought of getting back to where i thrive.
To all my new friends merci from me for letting me be the one who got to serve the Greek's food to thee.


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Saturday, February 16, 2013

THE ENLIGHTENING OF THE QUAIL



Yet another busy Saturday night. I walk over to an elegant woman of distinction, whose favors I always seem to be in, with her granddaughter to my left. They both have the look. The look I see over and over and over and twice as much on Saturday. Amateur night at the Apollo so to speak .
How to delicately explain we aren't a northern or southern Italian restaurant. We don't have any veal scallopini or chicken parmigiana, two dishes I adore and don't smite anyone for looking for, mind you. But thats not what we do here.
Its my job to be an ambassador our menu's culinary genius which uses all the flavors Italy has to offer from the very north to the southern shores of Sicily and how they play with the local seasonal fare and the traditions of Italy.
Back to the look. 
The woman, who was making her yearly pilgrimage to her collegiate granddaughter, had the look and she had it hard. What she needed asap is to be comforted and reassured that this menu (which must have seemed as foreign as Arabic because the items are written in Italian boldly and the English description are below in a small and light font)has exactly what they need to bring them to another place. A culinary vacation is here for all to enjoy, now, if they just sit back and follow my lead.
It starts with the eyes and soft approach. Eye contact, a slow blink and reassuring  'yes' nod  reels her in. This night our lady has forgotten her glasses at the hotel. Perfect for me. Some would go search for readers at the hostess station and let her sit there for another ten minutes of confusion with awkward zebra or leopard printed glasses on.
This is my time to strike with precision and ask what her pleasure would be tonight. Even though I know she's a beet salad and fish lady I go through with some other options verbally first.
Here is where this textbook approach took a turn to another place all together.
I get to my favorite meat dish the quail. De-boned breast stuffed with mozzarella herbs breadcrumbs swiss chard and wrapped in panchetta. The legs lolipopped and glazed with a touch of marsala over a parsnip vanilla puree and salsify roasted on top. All of the tings that make quail an annoyance to eat ,the bones, are taken out of the equation making this dish a delightfully fun and an uninterrupted joy.
Now Ive been known to be a touch dramatic and long winded at times with my descriptions but all for the pleasure of the guest.
Tears were not something I expected. The woman was in full on water works. Sobbing quietly not to be so embarrassed but also not being able to stop. She grabbed my arm whilst crying trying to apologize for the tears. If there is one thing in life we should never apologize for are our tears. I see them as a gift and a channel for growth. So I immediately let her know there is probably not a better persons shoulder to be crying on in all of Manhattan than mine. Let her cry I did. I assured the girl not to be embarrassed of her grand mother's tears and that everyone is pretty much oblivious to anything thats not in a 2 foot radius to them on a Saturday night. Even sometimes to my dismay, me their captain trying to take their order.
The woman quelled her tears to tell me her husband loved quail. He hunted it his whole life, he recently passed and left her alone and sad. He would have enjoyed my description and she was positive that's what he would be eating tonight if he were there.
I shared with her I had just lost my dear grandmother months prior. I use this food as my connection to her. When chef makes a pasta con le sarde. A tradtional Sicilian dish. It takes me back to her kitchen and me piling the extra fried breadcrumbs on top with a table of family and friends who have long passed or moved away. To a simpler time when life was fuller than we possibly knew. Because only through loss do we see it. It brings me to a joyous place now with every bite and I hold my grandmother with me in my heart. Thats how lucky we are to have had them. That we have these foods to enjoy their memory can be so fulfilling.She grabbed my arm again and asked if she could pray over me as the granddaughters eyes rolled. 
She said "Lord keep your blessing over Anthony and all that he does this year and protect him from evil and other such things..."
Not forgetting I have a job to do that she was keeping me from she says with enlightened grace and charm, 
“We'll share the Beet salad and the Branzino”. Can I pick 'em or what?

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